HOW IS MY BABY ONE YEAR OLD?
These past weeks have flown by as I have slightly dreaded Lucca turning one year old. Of course, I want him to grow and am beyond grateful for his life. However, his time as a baby is moving way too swiftly for my liking. As a typical new mother, emotions have been flowing this week, his 51st week here with us.
One year ago, I knew our baby would be born after his due date of March 29th. I knew he would be an April baby, an Aries. Without finding out the gender, I almost always knew he was a boy throughout my pregnancy. We picked out a few options for names, but I think I always knew our baby was Lucca. Before he entered his new world, I knew him.
Labor and delivery were not what I imagined, semi preparing me for a new life I could not imagine. But after delivering him, grabbing him from the doctor, I never let go (even as I write this, Lucca is sleeping in my arms). When the nurses asked about a name, although I knew it, I wanted to hold on to it myself for a bit longer. He latched on to breastfeed within the first hour, and continued to breastfeed every hour for months.
His first several weeks were spent in my arms, my husband’s arms, or grandparent’s arms. He was held constantly, and that is one thing I do not regret. At night we would try to lie him down, and while it worked for an hour, he’d wake up to exhaust us. Even then, I held him and sometimes cried with him. I wanted to rest and was so worried to hold him while we both slept, while it felt natural and was what he needed. But I never let him cry. Obviously MY child, Lucca wanted (needed) to be held. He’s similar to his mother like that, sensitive and needing to be touched for comfort.
Over time, Lucca changed and has become a little more independent, but I still hold him during naps and a lot throughout the night. He doesn’t breastfeed every hour, but has never gone over 4 hours without the breast. Once we finally got over the fear of co-sleeping, John and I accepted that was the only place our baby would rest. And the only way we would get rest too. It works for us, and I only wish we weren’t so terribly worried in the beginning [especially with him in a Dock-a-tot the first half of the night].
I was honestly overwhelmed for the first few months. I tried to do too much and didn’t trust anyone to help. Lucca continues to need and prefer me, but he was impossibly hard to share back then. Not regretting how much I tended to him, I do realize my mistakes of not letting others help with housework.
This year has consisted of experiencing life again, learning to truly slow down. To sit and absorb what happens around me, just as my baby does everywhere. This season of life has encouraged me to ask for help (even when I don’t necessarily want to), trust Lucca is developing as he should, and communicate more clearly with my husband.
John has blossomed into an amazing Papa. Lucca lights up when he sees him, giggling, and ready for play. They play the piano together, and I have never seen anything more adorable. When I’m having a rough day, John swoops in and immediately gives me a break. He dotes on his son, respects my wishes, and is very intuitive. John is hands on, changing diapers, feeding him, helping make food, and always thinking of Lucca’s best interests. Parenting is easier and better with him by my side.
Currently, Lucca loves our pets, and climbs all over Lizzie, our pup. Our oldest pet, 5 year old Luna Mango, taunts him to chase her. Lucca will crawl behind her, pushing her, so he can chase her around. Smiling and laughing all along. Our other cat, Leroy Jethro, does not get too close to our active baby yet. Our days are pretty chaotic with all these living beings.
Most days now go smoothly, once I let go of expectations and my needs for a lot of yoga. I do yoga here and there when I can, and I now lie down with him for his afternoon naps. Honestly, I should have started taking these rests at the very beginning. During those first weeks, I could not fall asleep, instead watching his chest go up and down with his breath. Or I would squeeze in yoga, run around doing laundry, and shoveled food in my mouth. I still do what he needs first, but I am learning to pay attention to my health and nourishment as well.
I still worry. I still do not sleep enough. But now, we work together. He hugs ME when I cry (SERIOUSLY. The sweetest). He eats almost everything we give him, allowing my breasts a little break. He rides in strollers, even though he prefers carriers and slings. Lucca forces me to communicate with strangers because he points, smiles, and waves to everyone. The world is his stage.
So much has changed in the past year, and although he is growing too fast, I love every phase. With the hard moments are the kindest actions. With the frustrations come milestones. He still needs me to hold him, a lot, and I continue to adore it (unless my back is killing me).
And I still love him more than anything else in the world.
Happy First Birthday, my darling LIGHT! You are the center of our universe, precious Lucca.
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