Rome wasn’t built in a day, and most likely, neither were our physical ailments.
It has taken me quite some time to get where I am right now. And as a human being, there is still always room to grow, improve, and learn. There is still much more for me to experience, but I am pretty happy with where I am.
As a 27 year old woman, I have obviously had time to make an impact on my body. Life has happened to me for over two decades. I have lived through terrible things and indescribably amazing times. I have traveled in foreign countries and have also stayed on the couch for days at a time. There have been eating struggles, car accidents, arguments with friends, lots of stress, love, healing, praise, deaths in the family, times where I am close to God and times where I am failing, confusion, poor decisions, drinks with friends, dancing, sunshine, sweets and gelato…. l i f e. Everything I have done, good or bad, has to fall somewhere. And where does it go? To my body. Might sound funny, but it’s true.
Everything we do has a consequence. I know saying this isn’t some profound thought, but I think we tend to overlook that even with the little things. We expect to make a change and then have results overnight. Sometimes we are aware of the long struggle, and still have trouble with reaching a certain goal. Every day and every thought and every action and every emotion have an effect on your body. After thousands and thousands and millions and millions of these influences, it takes a tole on the body. It cannot be healed in a day.
Or in a few days.
Or a few weeks.
Maybe several months.
Maybe many, many years.
But there is progress to strive for. Each moment is a chance to make a mindful choice that can have a positive effect on your body. To make a change.
Recently in my yoga practice I have discovered why I feel blockage, or tension/tightness, in a certain area of my body. Back during my teacher training last Fall, I thought that bending back scared me. Falling back into the unknown, not being able to see what is to come, was supposedly scaring me. I couldn’t bend from my back. (Now, yoga isn’t about being able to touch your head to your toes or place your foot behind your head. Yes, that is part of the process, but some bodies are not physically capable because of bone structure/tension/injury. Another story for another time). I have always been extremely flexible. I have been able to do the splits since I was a child. I could always do a Dancer’s Pose without any effort. Stretching always felt good to me and I enjoying “being good” at something. I have continued with yoga, and stretching, for over a decade now. But some poses involving the throat or shoulders cause me uneasiness. I find a lot of these poses frustrating and lose my breath. I avoid them in my practice..
The flexibility is in my hips.
I can see the tension I hold in my upper back.
In My heart. My throat.
My emotions. My truth and voice.
It makes so much sense now!!
For about eight years on and off, I struggled with serious eating disorders. I’m not sure who all around me was aware, but it was intense. I was very private and quiet. My most serious, suffocating relationship. The ugliest, meanest, darkest time of all my life. My throat was a utensil to eliminate the enemy, food. All food was bad. My mind was distorted with the idea that I wasn’t enough. But my heart, my heart was simply hurting. That hurt led to so much more self-inflicted pain, loneliness, and confusion throughout my mind, body, and soul. And I never took the time to deal with it. I thought, oh I’m physically healthy and mentally getting better now. But the emotions? I am the most emotional and sensitive person I know! I should have worked through all these feelings in order to heal and move toward a healthy life.
Even though I have been recovering for over 6 years now, I still feel that pain in my chest and upper back. When I practice yoga, I can feel the blockage. Being aware of this and understanding why it feels tight, I still cannot just snap and decide to let go in the back to fall into a beautiful upward facing bow pose. It will happen when it happens. Trust the process. Be patient.
Healing is different for everyone. I am just really glad to find out a little more about myself and my body so I can move forward. When I become frustrated, reminding myself that releasing all these built up emotions and conversations will take time. Realizing why something is happening in the body, emotionally, mentally, or physically, is the beginning of something big. Understanding, healing, moving forward…
when it is time to fully comprehend what is happening …
to completely let go, to surrender…
and maybe falling back and feeling the blockage escape.
Touch your heart and feel the warmth. Know you are alive and enough. This moment is the time to start healing. Starting to love yourself. And by loving yourself for who you are in this moment, you are giving glory to God for creating such a beautiful creature in you.