4 weeks (7.25.17)

THERE IS A BABY IN MY BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I was pregnant; I didn’t feel different or anything, but I kept having these real thoughts.  Monday after I taught class, I went by the store to pick up a pregnancy test.  On the phone with my best friend, we talked about our current ongoings.  I was still on the phone when I used the first test.  Laura was the first person to hear, “Oh my gosh…. it’s positive.”  I kept saying there were two lines and checking the package to make sure I was reading it correctly.  She was ecstatic and thrilled for me!

I, on the other hand, was a little out of sorts.  All I have ever wanted was to get pregnant and have babies, and here it was!  I think I was a little scared, unsure, and surprised.  How did I KNOW I was pregnant without any real symptoms?!  Laura says it’s my maternal instinct, but I think she’s being supportive.  But here I was with a positive pregnancy test…

Next I called my sister to tell her and took the second test with her on the phone.  She was happier than me and so excited for me to be pregnant.  At this point everything was so new I felt like I was in shock.  Immediately after my call with her, I called my mom.  Her response was “YES!!”  Haha I wanted to wait for a few more weeks but these people are my family.

I waited anxiously for John to come home from work for lunch.  I prepared a sandwich for him and had him sit down as I gave him the pregnancy test and cried.  He might have been scared but he didn’t show it.  He hugged me and asked why I was crying.  After he ate his lunch, I think the reality of it set in.  John became worried about our finances, our dreams, and all the practical things.  However, before he went back to work, he was all happy and excited for our little growing family.

 

I woke up the next morning (and throughout the night) with the realization, “There is a baby growing inside me!”  At only about two (technically four) weeks, I worry about all that can go wrong.  BUT this is truly a MIRACLE, and I believe it’s in God’s hands.  Creating life is SO divine.  John is at work so happy, fighting to hold our precious secret in.  It’s a big secret!!

My dad’s birthday was later that week so I called him to tell him he would be a granddad!  There was no waiting until I saw him again because I could barely hold it in those few days.  He might be the most excited person, well, he and Laura.  I told my brothers and my in-laws later that week.  I become emotional every time I tell someone.  The whole situation is so surreal and magical!

On another side, I feel insanely connected to life and death.  As you know, our precious angel puppy baby suddenly passed away March 16th.  It was the worst day of our adult lives, without a doubt.  For several months before, I told John I was going to get off birth control once we hit our first anniversary on April 30th.  My intention was to let my body get used to being on a more natural cycle.  We were not “planning” on having a baby just yet.

I immediately felt guilty when Sarah passed away, like I had put this thought out into the Universe about baby and that was why she was taken.  That is not the case, I know it is all in God’s hands.  But I cannot help to feel like I caused her death.  Within a few months of being off the pill, we’re pregnant.  What if God knew that he was going to give us a baby and thought that Sarah Belle would be better off in Heaven so we could give our full attention to baby?  It is too much, and maybe a little insane, and I try to not think about it.

The whole idea is a little crazy, but I think it all is connected.  God took Sarah to prepare a place for our baby.  Not replacing her, just giving each baby an opportunity for no pain and unconditional love.  Our baby has an angel watching over her/him right now, and she is the most perfect, loving angel puppy there is.  What a gift.

I hope to keep reminding myself of the angel our baby has when I get upset.  God’s plan is so much more powerful and beautiful than mine, and I pray to always see that when guilt sets in.  And now, we are expecting an angel baby…. 🙂

It is all truly so Divine….

 

Mama-to- be
Sarie
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