The other night, I let it all come in…
The fear, anxiety, uncertainty, nervousness, and lack of control.
All I have ever known is that I want to be a mom. I have a natural adoration for little ones, especially babies, and am honestly really good at caring for them.
But not knowing when baby will come, how breastfeeding will go, who will be here to help with house work when my husband goes back to work, or how long/painful/smooth labor will go terrifies me. That night, I broke down in tears. Pure fear.
As much as I know I’m made for this role, I am just as scared. There are not a lot of people in town I trust to help me or to confide in. And I know these feelings are “normal,” but that doesn’t make them go away. So that night, I let my husband hold me as I cried. Some woman do this all by themselves (and I applaud them and their bravery), and I’m even more grateful I am supported by John.
Much of this fear comes from not feeling prepared. I am easy-going when I know what to expect or when I have control. But the unknown makes me uneasy, anxious.
Even though I have been reading books, magazines, other people’s stories, and asking my friends who are mothers about their experiences, I still do not feel prepared. No matter how much I have cared for other children, watched them grow, and played a huge part in their development, I still don’t feel prepared for what it’s to come with my own child. Even as I say these things, I know that everything will be okay, that all is well. However, I still struggle with fear, with letting go. I know this is normal, but that doesn’t ease any of my uncertainties. Even though my friends who know me well constantly keep feeding my confidence and telling me how wonderful I will be, it doesn’t always seem to help.
While most people understand and appreciate my vulnerability on this subject, it seems that some of the people who are closest to me think I share too much. And I find that even more discouraging and unsupportive. If I cannot express how I feel, even the harder moments, then how will I manage to make it through? How will I be able to connect to others that have been in my situation, are experiencing the same thoughts currently, or who will be able to give me guidance? This is my experience, my body, my blog or social media, my right to talk about what I want. I guess this part of growing up, finding out who I am, instead of who others think I should be.
I also honestly enjoy being pregnant. I want the baby to stay in my womb longer so I can feel him/her move, hiccup, do yoga poses. Just a few days ago, maybe a week, I felt the feet completely straddle, probably doing Ananda Balasana. Weird but phenomenal. Of course I want to hold and stare at the baby, but I already feel a little sad for him to leave my belly, my last bit of control.
All these thoughts will go, I know, especially when the baby does make his/her appearance.
My yoga has consisted (and will continue to consist) of gentle stretches, DEEP breathing, and lots of mantra. ALL IS WELL.
Tutto va bene… 🙏