It has been a day.
Prepare for some candid, colorful language…
Holy shit, motherhood is hard. My sweet baby and I drove to Springville (about 30 minutes away) and back this morning. He cried loudly at least 85% of the drives. Today was one of those days he hated the car. I have listened to and attempted many suggestions, and none worked today: a mirror for him to see himself/me, a Baby Einstein music toy, pacifier, personal fan, blanket to block the sun, cracked his window for fresh air, music, no music, Kirtan, and soothing him with my empty words. It got to the point where I had no words, nothing to comfort him. I stopped twice on the way and three times on the way back, changed his poopy diapers a few times, but nothing made him happy. Nothing.
I got home deflated and fed him, again. My sweet husband made me a sandwich, I ate it, and Lucca fell asleep for 3 hours. He naps on me, so I did not dare move him. When he awoke, it was as if nothing traumatic happened this morning. He was happy, smiling, and content.
Stupidly, I decided to take him and our puppy to pick up photos at Walgreens. Same story on the ride there and back. Tears and sadness and anger and scratching his face. But I trimmed his nails just two days ago? Not well enough. Once we made it home, I swore to never leave the house again. Amazon delivers. Lizzie can run around the back yard, and our walks can be in the neighborhood. Yes, in the neighborhood only, that will work.
The sweet baby is fine for hours. He allows me to shower (for the first time ever without his Papa home to hold him) tear-free. Then the anger kicks in again. What the hell does he want?! I try to feed him, change his diaper, put him in the swing, pacifier, walk around, go outside. He wants to cry. Yes that has to be it – he just wants to drive me mad trying to guess what he wants when obviously it’s to cry.
Perhaps he misses routine? We video called his Papa, and he stared at the phone the whole time. He definitely misses his time and snuggles with his father. I do not know if John will ever be allowed to leave us again.
His bath time is usually 8:30, and then his Papa gives him a bottle I pumped. And they sweetly fall asleep together. We barely made it to 8:00 before a bath. I gave him the bottle so I could have a beer. I feel I needed it to take off the edge. It’s not even 9:00, and baby boy is asleep on my chest. And everything is okay.
How do single mothers do it?! I have an exponential amount of respect for them and their daily lives. I did not want help this weekend because I wanted to know I can survive two measly days by myself. But again, motherhood is hard. I miss my husband. I miss our routine.
Today was an exhausting, trying day. But little man and I survived. We had some great, joyful moments too. Not every day with an infant will be easy or even fun. But my love for him trumps any amount of crying in the car or fighting me when I’m working to feed him. This is what I have longed for my entire life – motherhood.
It is so worth it. He, mio bambino precioso, is so worth it.
Tired, stay-at-home Mama,
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