Help! I need somebody!

Help!  Not just anybody.

It is SO hard for me to ask for help.

One of my go-to themes in my personal yoga practice and classes is surrender.  To let go.  It is exactly what I need to work on now and is becoming increasingly more difficult.  Having control makes me feel organized, put together.  What an illusion that idea is.  And wonder why I am always practicing this concept!

When I had eating disorder issues, I now realize how I much it had to do with control.  I lost control of my eating habits and fought to find it elsewhere: cleaning my apartment/room, running, or being OCD with something else.  Letting go was not an option because I had a grasp on so little.

As a new mother, there is only so much I can do according to my standards.  Lucca, my baby boy, runs the show.  I can make a schedule, write out a to-do list, and plan out our days, and he will fight it.  He tells me what we need to do and what is important.  I have very little control, and that might be the hardest part of motherhood for me.

This might also be a big reason why I don’t want to leave him – I won’t be there to cater to his needs.  I would have to trust someone else to do as I wish, and I don’t trust anyone.  My husband is very respectful of my particularities, and often asks me for advice or what I usually do in a situation.  We are on the same page.  For most other people, I am not ready to ask for assistance.

I clean everything myself and prefer it that way.  If someone else comes in to help, I will almost certainly go behind them and tidy up to my standards.  I would rather just to it myself.  The same goes with caring for Lucca.  I want to hold him; I want to bathe him; I want to feed him, all my way.  I want to control what I can, while I can, before he is old enough to decide for himself.

And I cannot let go!!! I cannot seem to surrender… yet.  I feel like I will lose all control if I let someone else help.  I am well aware of my need to surrender, and I am aware that I am struggling to WANT to let go.  This internal battle is a little exhausting, but I notice it and will get better.

I will let go.  I will lose control.  I will ask for help.

And I will learn to live without “perfection.”

 

Namaste,

Sarie