Help! Not just anybody.
It is SO hard for me to ask for help.
One of my go-to themes in my personal yoga practice and classes is surrender. To let go. It is exactly what I need to work on now and is becoming increasingly more difficult. Having control makes me feel organized, put together. What an illusion that idea is. And wonder why I am always practicing this concept!
When I had eating disorder issues, I now realize how I much it had to do with control. I lost control of my eating habits and fought to find it elsewhere: cleaning my apartment/room, running, or being OCD with something else. Letting go was not an option because I had a grasp on so little.
As a new mother, there is only so much I can do according to my standards. Lucca, my baby boy, runs the show. I can make a schedule, write out a to-do list, and plan out our days, and he will fight it. He tells me what we need to do and what is important. I have very little control, and that might be the hardest part of motherhood for me.
This might also be a big reason why I don’t want to leave him – I won’t be there to cater to his needs. I would have to trust someone else to do as I wish, and I don’t trust anyone. My husband is very respectful of my particularities, and often asks me for advice or what I usually do in a situation. We are on the same page. For most other people, I am not ready to ask for assistance.
I clean everything myself and prefer it that way. If someone else comes in to help, I will almost certainly go behind them and tidy up to my standards. I would rather just to it myself. The same goes with caring for Lucca. I want to hold him; I want to bathe him; I want to feed him, all my way. I want to control what I can, while I can, before he is old enough to decide for himself.
And I cannot let go!!! I cannot seem to surrender… yet. I feel like I will lose all control if I let someone else help. I am well aware of my need to surrender, and I am aware that I am struggling to WANT to let go. This internal battle is a little exhausting, but I notice it and will get better.
I will let go. I will lose control. I will ask for help.
And I will learn to live without “perfection.”