Human beings are very complex and confusing creatures. As I get older, I realize that there are constantly challenges that face me, and I wonder if I will ever have a grasp on my own being. Finding my identity feels so close, yet not within arms length.
I have always been the most emotional person I know. That is saying a lot because I have lots and lots of girl friends! And I know many children. But my emotions have always driven my life.
In the past, I found myself praying for calmness, strength to hide my many, many emotions. Tears immediately swell in my eyes when I raise my voice or when someone raises theirs to me. All I ever heard was that I cried a lot as a child. My parents say I smiled all the time and enjoyed taking me places. My siblings jokingly say all I did was “sleep, eat, and cry.”
Not much changed through the years. I had eating issues, which I talk about often now, sleeping complications (night terrors and insomnia), and emotional traumas. Sometimes these trivial times overlapped, and at times it was only one or the other. After working through a few of my hardships, I began to become more aware of my true personality. Finally, I was (and still am) beginning to find myself.
Fragile, sensitive, indecisive, idealistic, dreamer, empathic, and maternal are but a few descriptions of how I view myself.
Realizing that I am not dramatic, that I FEEL more, has helped me accept myself. In intense moments, I can sit back and remind myself of what is mine and what is not mine. If I become carried away, I might try to mediate, take on the emotions and issues of others, or begin to cry. Knowing this, I can hopefully see when I need to walk away or when I need to acknowledge what belongs to me and what does not.
Drama does not intrigue me. I want nothing to do with it, and somehow, there is [at times] drama around me. Is it me? Maybe sometimes, yes, I do get wrapped up in it. However, I also believe I might become “involved” out of sensitivities, fear of someone getting hurt, or being offended, instead of thriving in the nonsense of gossip and confusion. Drama leaves me going over the situation over and over and over, and ultimately I am exhausted. I physically cannot handle the magnitude of drama; I want to sleep or cry.
Nature helps me to see things more clearly. Going for walks, practicing yoga outside under the open sky, or now walking to the waterfall, I begin to understand myself and personality more. There is no nonsense in the trees, no judgement from the wildflowers, or drama in the flowing water. Everything simply exists, and my mind wanders and reflects on life. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive and in touch with my many, many emotions. If I hold them in, I eventually explode or develop a blockage in my body (or chakras). Why would I want that for someone else? Why would I want to overreact and lose control?
No, what I need to do and encourage you to do, is be yourself. Explore your emotions, thoughts, and traits, and see yourself as you are. And that person, beneath all the blockages and layers, is a beautiful being. Smile if you are happy. Laugh hysterically when humor is present. Cry when tears come. Mourn when your heart hurts.
Do not ever let someone belittle you for being you. I’ll keep going down my fragile path, and you find your path. Maybe we’ll sway and meet up from time to time, maybe our paths are parallel. If you see me crying at some point, do not feel bad for me. Be grateful for the ability to feel and show feelings, and check in with how YOU feel. Without being comfortable with yourself, it is very difficult to help others heal.
My sister and I used to watch this ice skating movie and loved making jokes of the dad, who was a psychologist. His character wrote two books entitled, Feelings, Feelings, Feelings and Feel Your Feelings. For some reason, this cracked us up as children.
Now, I fully believe we should Feel your Feelings.